Truth Seeker

In the Dark Desert...

2009-08-21T05:04:00.000-07:00

I have been wandering for hours. I was tired and hungry and thirsty. The only comfort I felt was that the voices I heard chasing me were now gone. My mind was racing. What am I going to do? It was getting dark and I finally decided I was not making any progress and I should sit down for the night. In the morning when there was more light I can make my way back to civilization. I missed my family and friends. It was a rather pathetic situation. So I sat. I sat down. It was a little breezy, but pleasant. The sand was soft and I decided to lay down and maybe even sleep...I closed my eyes and dozed of...

In the Dark (part 2)

2009-08-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

I kept fumbling around and pressing forward. I finally saw some light! I moved as quickly as I could toward it. It was a tiny opening! I could squeeze through and be free from the cave!

I wiggled through with great difficultly. The stone from the walls of the cave riped my skin as well as my clothes. Then I heard a noise that made my skin crawl! It was the girl that I was speaking to earlier. It sounded like she had more people with her! I heard her say' "There he goes! There's the asshole that disrespected me!" Then I heard some men's voices say tauntingly, "Hey boy! We're going to kick your ass!" This made me wiggle harder and faster. I was finally out!

The sun hit my eyes and I was blinded, but fear pressed me forward. I ran and ran! Soon I realized I was in the middle of the desert! I was afraid because I heard about three different men's voices. I just kept pressing forward. Soon I realized how screwed I was! I was in the middle of the desert and it was about to be night time. Oh man what can I do?!?! I am lost hungry, thirsty, and scared. I just kept pressing forward.......

In the Dark (part 1)

2009-07-31T05:28:00.000-07:00

I finally hit the bottom...BAM!!! My head hurt and was throbbing from an impact. I was glad that I was still conscious and did not get knocked out. I was terrified! I had no idea where I was it was pitch black and I did not have any of my supplies or my flashlight! What was I to do. I was depressed why did I talk to that strange girl! And what happened to her face! Was she even real? She seemed so beautiful then she changed the second I disagreed with her.

Regardless, here I am stuck down here I can't even see in front of me. I was depressed. I thought I will just lay here and die, but the I felt something. It was crawling up my leg! Then I could feel it on my hands! Oh my God they felt like insects running all over my body. I could feel some running up my pants leg and my shirt! I jumped up and tried to brush them off, I could her thousands of tiny feet moving around. Chills went down my spin, I was truly disgusted! I had a fear of insects and I could not even see the ones that were crawling all over my body!

I ran again. Ran with my hand(s) in front of me. I could hear my feet smash the insects as I moved. They were not biting me which was a good sign. I gotta find a way out of here! Oh God help me out of this mess!!!!!!!

In the Cave (part 3)

2009-07-28T05:05:00.000-07:00

I was so confused, but I remembered why I was here. I had a purpose to being her that was supposed to be pure. I knew that if I chose to go along with this pretty creature I would totally be off track. So I told her:

No thanks I quit. (I said I quit to sound cool like I used to be cool, but I had to "clean up my act")

Oh come on, its just a little weed! It ain't going to hurt you. Pleeease I don't want to party alone.

No. I better not. Besides I came her to be alone, and think about stuff. This would really put me off track.

Come on don't be such a square!

No. Sorry.

I was proud of myself I was sticking to my guns, but then something happened that made me shudder. She said:

I should have known! You looked like a nerd. Fuckin geek why did I waste my time talking to such a loser! You think you are better than me don't you you self righteous ego maniac!

She continued starting to hurl insults at me. I decided I had enough of her browbeating and got up to leave the cave, but she got in front of me:

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING! I'M NOT THROUGH WITH YOU!

LET ME OUT!!!!

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She changed. She was not the sweet beautiful gal that came in the cave. Her eyes were bulging, and then something happened that freaked me out! HER FACE CONTORTED AND HER VOICE STARTED GET DEEPER!!!!!!!!

I had no other choice with her blocking the entrance of the cave I had no choice, but to go into the cave and maybe wait her out. So I ran. Ran into the darkness, away from the evil that had confronted me. I ran with all my might until I tripped. I was falling now. Face first! into what I don't know. It felt like I was sliding down a hill. I could feel my chest burning. It was pitch black, and I had no idea what was going on, and where I would end up. I was never more frightened, alone, and confused in my life..............

In the Cave (part 2)

2009-07-25T12:52:00.000-07:00

As the footsteps get closer and closer fear feels my belly, and I hear a feminine voice call out, "HELLO?!?!?".

I answer back "Huh hello?". I am completely in shock I thought I was in a remote place. I thought I would not have any interruptions! Then she appeared and my heart stoped! She was extremely attractive. She was wearing fatigues and a tank top, and was extraordinarily beautiful.

My hormones went wild. I was in utter shock. I got really nervous and did not know what else to say so I said:

Can I help you?

Yeah. I saw you come into this cave sometime back and was curious. You did not look like you were dangerous. I have been camped out with some friends about a mile away and they were acting like real assholes so I stormed off. I remembered you were in here and thought you might want some company....

(By now I had completely forgotten about my meditations and why I came here. I was enthralled by her beauty and how sweet see was)

Sure I would like some company.

Why are you here?

I just wanted some time alone. Trying to get away from it all.

Oh so I hope I am not bothering you...

OH NO NOT AT ALL! I don't mind at all.....

By now I remembered why I came and felt so week. Just because a pretty girl came into this cave I have forgotten everything I came here for, I felt so shallow, but I did not want to be rude.

We chit chatted for a while. I don't know maybe a couple hours at least. We seemed to have a lot in common. She thought I was really funny, and I was feeling more and more attracted to her. When finally something happened that left me speechless. She said:

Hey you seem like a down to earth guy. How 'bout if we smoke a blunt?

I did not do this sort of thing, but my hormones were going wild and I was flabbergasted when she pulled out a cigar and a baggie with neon green stuff in it.

I was speechless. I want to please her, but I had my beliefs. I no longer wanted to take anything to alter my reality, not even a glass of wine! I drifted into deep thought on what to do. She finally interrupted by saying:

OK sexy whats it gonna be????

In the Cave (part 1)

2009-07-24T05:37:00.000-07:00

So I have been in deep meditation, deep contemplation. I finally have the quiet I was aching for, and it is great! I see the little light coming in from the opening and I also see there is more to this cave. If I wish I can explore deeper, maybe I will do that later. Luckily I did pack a flashlight.

Suddenly I hear something at the entrance of the cave! Fear and anxiety fill me, what is it is it an animal? Oh shit why in the world did I come here! The sound gets louder! It sound like footsteps! Oh shit!!!!

In the desert

2009-07-21T05:15:00.000-07:00

I have been wandering for a day and one night. I am still in good spirits. I have enough rations on my back for quite sometime. I have had few encounters with other people that are wandering through these parts. It is impossible to find solitude! I must go deeper into the wilderness. I spot a mountain range! Wow! It is so beautiful I stride toward it.

As I come upon these beautiful mountains I spot a cave. This will be the perfect spot to get away. So I cautiously enter. It is empty! I begin my seclusion. I will begin my meditations.....

To the desert...

2009-07-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

It's time.

Time to leave all of it behind. Time to leave all the people and things I love. No one understands me. I cry and scream and yell, but no one understands. No one cares. No one, but God, that is my only solace. So off I go to the desert to be alone with my God.

Solitude. Sweet Solitude. Maybe someday I will return, but for now good bye.

I will miss my family, my kids and my wife, but sometimes you have to be completely and utterly alone in order to love someone. All these conditions I and others place on each other for so called "Love". What is love? If I said something to offend you would you love me less? If I never called you would you stop loving me? No one understands what love is no one, but God. And when you look at all the tragic events of the world what is that kind of Love? Perhaps it is beyond our comprehension...no it IS beyond anything we understand.

So I'm off to the desert. I have been there before. Its not so bad because after sometime it blossoms and it is actually quite beautiful..................

GOOD BYE!!!!!

My friend the Atheist.

2009-07-10T04:28:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who is an Atheist, but not the kind that is just as bad as the nagging "born again" who is constantly nagging you, "...have you heard the Good News?" She is open minded, but was conditioned (contrary to my conditioning) that there is no God.

I mentioned the quote from my previous blog that God can be a personal Deity yes, but it is much deeper. God is the "Light" which glows and on occasion burns inside me. It is the charge I get every morning that keeps me going. The source which makes me want to be a better father, husband, friend...person. God is the "Source" that gives me chills down my spin when I wittiness the small miracles that occur from time to time. God is the lump in my throat when a particular movie moves me to compassion. God is the tears that well up in my eyes when I witness a tragedy no words can describe. God is the ultimate Source.

She mentioned that to her that is her faith in Humanity, and I understood at the time what she meant. As I thought about it longer I had an insight. What if the feeling she and I are experiencing is the exact same "Source"? What if us as human beings are really just caught up in words? I tell you I saw a tree. What does that really mean? Do you know what kind of tree it was? Do you know if the tree was bearing fruit? Was it a dead tree? Was it a seedling? Was it large? These are mere words! We get caught up in the word! And when you see the tree you can us an endless supply of words, but never ever catch the essence of the tree. If we can't even describe a tree by words how can we describe God with words.

Sometimes to know God we must lose God. That sound blasphemous and too bad if it is. We see him as a "Father" when tragedy strikes we say how can a father do that! I believe the Source both me and my friend who does not call her source God have the same exact source, but people get caught up in the details.

GOD

2009-07-08T05:29:00.000-07:00

"GOD DOES NOT DIE WHEN WE CEASE TO BELIEVE IN A PERSONAL DEITY. WE DIE ON THE DAY WE CEASE TO BE ILLUMINED BY THE STEADY RADIANCE RENEWED DAILY OF A WONDER, THE SOURCE OF WHICH IS BEYOND ALL REASON."

- Doug Hamashire ??(not sure on the spelling)

Wow! Wow! Wow! What a beautiful combination of words on a topic no words can describe!

No time like the present

2009-07-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Whenever life seems to tough do what I do press the eject button! J/K return to the present moment. There is now time like the present, and I mean that more ways than one! Nothing is more bearable that the present moment. It dissolves all problems and frees you from all pain. It is the best sedative!

For those of you (like me) that believe in God....

The only way we can receive God (I believe) is by living in the present moment. I believe all dark thoughts and were the great counter force operates in the mind is in our thoughts of the past and future, but when we are in the present we find refuge in the bosom of the Lord. Its sounds crazy, but the more you can live in the present the more Godly you will feel. NO JOKE!

"Motives And Thoughts" Lauryn Hill (Def Poetry)

2009-06-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1TZO_sOsVo

Self observation is a wonderful tool. Watch yourself constantly without judgement. Watch yourself with the mind of a scientist. Understanding stops once you judge. We are being played like puppets and we don't even see it! So observe with the spirit of I want to understand. See your "Motives and Thoughts"! Don't be afraid, relax you are growing..............

The Light Shines Strongly in this One

2009-06-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

I meet someone and the instant I set my eyes on him I could see the Light. Not "light" with a lower case "l", but "Light" with a capital "L". This person grew up under dire circumstances. He has every reason to be bitter angry and upset with the world he was given, but he still chooses to shine his Light.

This person is going through some hard times right now, and I pray for him dearly. I pray the Light will always shine in him, and I have faith it will. Oh what a world full of sweet temptations! Oh what a hypnotized world. The awareness of it is humbling! My faith is "with God all things are possible". So I believe it is possible for him and anyone to become aware of this hypnotism and break the spell this material/carnal world has on us. WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

Getting back to my friend, I am humorously reminded of the scene in Star Wars where one Jedi says to the other, "The Force is strong in this one." That is what I would say about my friend, "The Light is strong in this one!"

If the person I am talking about (and you know who you are) is reading this I love you man! God loves you! And keep your head up!

TIME

2009-06-15T05:54:00.001-07:00

I am reading "The Hermetica: The Lost Wisdom of the Pharaohs" and they have something interesting about time. The past is gone (an illusion), the future is yet to happen, and the present is so elusive that no one can catch it. It is believed to be a concept of God. See God has no past no present and no future, only eternity.

It is like we are standing at the foot a huge waterfall (maybe like Niagara Falls). Imagine standing in a boat staring at the water falling in front of us. The water flows behind no way to catch that because it is gone (the past), no way to tell what is coming (the future), and no way to get close and catch or stop the waterfall (the present). What are we to do? ENJOY THE WATERFALL! It is a beautiful and marvelous wonder! Why think so much about it just enjoy it!

I have always felt in my heart that perhaps God exists in a timeless state. We see everything so linearly. Perhaps God just is! No time, no past, no present, no future, only eternity.

Mind/Soul vs. Body

2009-06-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

Brothers and sisters, live by the Spirit and you will certainly not gratify the desire of the flesh.

For the flesh has desires against the Spirit,and the Spirit against the flesh;these are opposed to each other,so that you may not do what you want.

But if you are guided by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Now the works of the flesh are obvious:

immorality, impurity, lust, idolatry,sorcery, hatreds, rivalry, jealousy,outbursts of fury, acts of selfishness,dissensions, factions, occasions of envy,drinking bouts, orgies, and the like.

I warn you, as I warned you before,that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

Against such there is no law.

Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified their flesh with its passions and desires.

If we live in the Spirit, let us also follow the Spirit --- Gal 5:16-25

These are beautiful words explaining the mind/soul vs body war that goes on daily. I am trying to let my intellect serve my heart, not the other way around. We are too top heavy as a human race.......

Anthony DeMelo

2009-06-03T04:33:00.000-07:00

First of let me say I LOVE YOUTUBE! Anthony De Mello is one of my favorite authors and I have gained a lot from reading his books. I happened to come across of a video of him on YouTube! I love that someone who passed away years ago can come to life with very minimal effort on my part.

Anyway, this talk is great if you have about a half hour it is definitely worth it. One of the key points that comes out of it is it is not the events of our life that make us sad or depressed it is how we take them in. It is our perception of the disturbance that makes the difference. I love that! Of course he says it much more eloquently. This is a gem of a video.

Listen to it with an open ear. At the end there is an older gentleman gets up and asks him an obvious question. Poor man he has been so conditioned by life that he cannot even see Fr. De Mello's message staring him in the face! I pray that none of us we become so conditioned....ENJOY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vmTSdxxnTw

PLATO

2009-05-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

"And the last are the few that take delight in meditation and understanding; who yearn not for goods nor for victory, but for knowledge who leave both market and battle-field to lose themselves in the quiet clarity of secluded thought; whose will is light rather than a fire , whose haven is not power but truth: these are the men of wisdom, who stand aside unused by the world." - Plato

That is who I am, who I feel in my heart I was meant to be. That is what I strive for, who I have always been. The conflict, ALL conflict occurred when I tried to deny it. That conflict burned my insides like fire. These words of Plato resonate in my soul when I read them, they soothe my soul as I meditate on them...

The Space

2009-05-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

Thoughts are so fragmented. We change thoughts around and manipulate them. We can flatter ourselves or we can berated ourselves. We can have regrets about the past or we can fret of the future. All of these things are a waste of energy. We only have a limited amount of energy in this life let us use it efficiently.

Since thoughts are fragmented and the past and the future are manipulated by our minds what is real. If all this is an illusion our happiness, our sadness, our sense of hopelessness, our hopefulness. What is real? I tell the only thing that is real is the present moment.

Try this exercise, close your eyes and stay in the moment. It is not easy is it? Like a thief in the night our minds come and take it away. It is OK, just notice it and be aware of the moment when it happens. And just for kicks come back to the present moment, keep repeating again and again. There is energy in that! A new kind of powerful energy!

So finally the eternal question. If I am not the sum of my past and plans of my future who am I? If I am not my emotions and fleeting feelings who am I? I AM THE SPACE IN BETWEEN ALL OF THAT!!!! I hope this makes sense I am the brief silence in between all of the chattering. The silence found in the present moment. That is who I am! Or is it?????? The dance goes on an on.........

Listening Excercise

2009-05-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

People have asked me many times what is mediation. I have given many long drawn out answers. I regret them now if they ask me I will just say "Listening".

"Well what do you mean Jijo?"

To me mediation is listening to the outer and inner worlds that we are in all the time.

Listen to the outer world, at the risk of sound crazy I will give you an exercise. Wake up early in the morning, before sun rises and sit by the window. Listen to the outside noises. The crickets, the first bird to sing in the morning, the cars driving by, the silence. There is a peace and a quieting of the mind that occurs.

Listen to the inner world. This is often harder to do, but reaps unending rewards. Just listen what is bothering you. The human mind is amazing! It will go to where it needs to go. Initially it is hard because you will have thousands of thoughts spinning like a CD in your head. Give it time HAVE FAITH, your mind will quiet and go where it needs to go. Think about your issues big and small trust me it will bring you peace. "We can look at a storm in the day or in the night the damage is the same." Vernon Howard said that. I take it a step further. A storm at night can do more damage because you cannot see anything. If you look at your problems straight on then you can deal with them better.

So try it. See if it works for you.......

The Persistant Hunt

2009-05-10T10:56:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wI-9RJi0Qo&feature=related

Watch this video. It is truly amazing and beautiful. The Sand People hunt in an ancient way. The way man must have hunted before weapons. This way of hunting is truly magnificent as the hunter and prey are truly one. The hunter is one with the earth and feels the pain and emotions of its prey.

Being a practicing vegetarian I felt terribly sad about the loss of life of the animal, but I understand that this is the nature of things in this world. His tribe must not have access to a supermarket to buy alternative sources of protein so the meat is true nourishment to him and his family.

And boy did he earn it. I tell myself the day I can kill an animal myself with my own hands is the day I will eat meat again. Boy, do I dare say the day I can hunt like this amazingly powerful man is the day I will eat meat again?!?!?!

Listening

2009-05-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

Listening is a true art form. I am learning how important and beautiful it is to have the skill of listening.

Let me explain, most of us listen with "filters" on high alert. These filters are our experiences negative and positive. They are our prejudices, our biases, our beliefs, our values. The reason I say it is an art and a skill is that we must listen with those "filters" off. It is not easy to do. You always want to chime in with your own opinion. What is wrong with just shutting up and truly listening to what the other person has to say?

Furthermore, we must listen wholehearted with our mind/body/soul. Watch the person's expressions. FEEL the passion in what they are saying. I mentioned Hara in the previous blog, it is your vital center. Listen with your Hara which is your INNER being. Let the persons words vibrate in you and absorb what they are saying.

It sounds like a simple thing (especially if you disagree with his/her point of view), but try it! It is not as easy as it sounds!

Hara and KG

2009-05-05T15:25:00.001-07:00

What happened to Kevin Garnet? I used to like when he was a Timberwolf. He seemed like a likeable yet intense player. He was a competitor who was humble. Even when my Lakers played him in the Western Conference finals, a few years back, he was still respectable and likeable.

Now that he is a Celtic, he is shouting things like “ANYTHING’S POSSIBLE”. More recently he is cursing up a storm on the sidelines, making his teammate (Big Baby Davis) cry, and just looking so uncool.

I am reading “Hara: The Vital Center of Man” it describes Japanese culture and how the people live within themselves. There is no ego rather it is a constant centering process where man realizes he is connected to the earth/nature. It is a very Western idea to focus on the finished product. With Hara the process is the man focus. The spiritual significance of the act (whatever it may be archery, making tea, playing basketball) is of most importance. If you achieve the desired result it is secondary. I like that philosophy.

With Hara no one will be all huffing and puffing about winning a championship or yelling at their teammate for screwing up. No, on the contrary that person would have a centered and quiet confidence about themselves.

So I am not just saying this out of spite that he with the Celtics beat my Lakers last year, but rather a sad disappointment that someone who seemingly loved playing the game (youtube: Kevin Garnet crying to get him being interviewed by Bill Rusell) has become someone who is so focused on winning at all costs.

Sojourner Truth

2009-04-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

I read Sojourner Truth's Narrative recently, and something has stuck in my head that really moved me.

First of all what an amazing soul. What an amazing woman who was way ahead of her time. God really blesses the world when he puts a soul like that on it.

Anyway, what I want to share is because of the fact that she could not read she would employee adults and children to read to her. What is interesting is at one point she completely stoped employing adults to read to her. You see when she would ask the adult to read the passage a second time the would give their interpretation to her. This hurt her. First of all they probably assumed she was not bright enough to understand. And even more of the reason that I find profound is that ADULTS ARE RIDGE AND CAUGHT UP IN THEIR ON INTERPRETATIONS!

Children on the other hand would read the passage again and again without adding their "2 cents". I think that is what Jesus Christ meant when he said "only those who are like children can enter the Kingdom of God"!

So let us remember that in daily life. Let us not be rigid in our own beliefs be open minded and understand that we do not know it all. Take it like this, everyone we meet knows something we don't, so be a student of everyone! Now I obviously don't mean believe everything you hear, but simply dont' rule it out immediately. Take in new information process it and throw it out if it is useless, but utilize it if it is wroth it...

Ego and the Devil

2009-04-23T04:48:00.000-07:00

I heard an interesting thought that I feel has some importance.

In the lore "Satan" or "Lucifer" was one of God's strongest and most precious angels. He was in Heaven and all was harmonious. The beginning of the end for him was at on key point. It was when he found a mirror! Interesting indeed!

I would imagine he saw himself and admired himself and all his beauty and power. Old lore says he was jealous of God and coveted the seat of the most high. His ambition grew and eventually the archangel Michael had to battle him and threw him out of Heaven.

What is interesting to me to take note is what caused "the Devil's" demise. IT WAS EGO! I have said before that I find the biggest stumbling block is egotism. I continue to battle with my huge ego daily...

The danger of "Conclusions"

2009-04-21T05:06:00.000-07:00

I have an important warning for the casual and serious "Truth Seeker":

"NEVER COME TO ANY CONCLUSIONS!"

I can't stress this enough. Continue to question everything! I mean absolutely everything. Once you draw a conclusion and accept it you are lost! Conclusion means the stop of inquiry, and once you stop inquiring atrophy starts. I mean both spiritually and physically. Indifference and ignorance are the enemies to the Truth, more the latter than the former, but both are dangerous.

Think about it, if Truth Seekers did not inquire the the world would still be believed to be flat! So please, please be a constructive critic. I emphasize constructive because we do not want to be cynical.

I have learned from my own experiences of failure after failure that is how I know this...

Vernon Howard

2009-04-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

I just got Vernon Howard's "The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power" the first 20 pages have been delightfully enlightening. He was the one of the main influence's to Tom Russell of http://www.timeoutfortruth.com/ a great website were the wisdom is vast (www.superwisdom.com).

Anyway here is an example of something Vernon Howard said:

“Confucius was in his thirties when he visited Lao-tse, then a sage in his eighties. We might picture what the wise man said to the young inquirer. For one thing, Lao-tse might have pointed out that human reformers never seek justice for their followers; they wish only to grasp the power of injustice for themselves. He might also have said that a formal education does not mean intelligence, for true intelligence is to live within the spontaneous rhythm of life, without cunning and deceit, and with sanity and naturalness.” — Vernon Howard

I bolded the part that moved me. We get caught up in knowledge sometimes. Living should be a natural and easy thing! Stay loose and enjoy!

The Painting

2009-04-14T07:32:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about life and death and it came to me that life the whole history of the universe is like a painting. All the comets, the asteroids, the clouds, solar systems, planets, our lives are brushstrokes. They all have a time on the canvas some more than others, but the strokes goes on as long as the painter needs it to in order to create this masterpiece.

Who is the painter? That is not important. Some call him God, some Allah, some Krishna etc etc. The important thing to remember is keep your part of the painting bright and beautiful...

RELIGION

2009-04-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

To me religion, whatever it may be, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc. etc. is just the vehicle to get you to the "forest". A jeep if you will, gives you a boast toward the truth. It maybe a very bumpy road with some detours, but eventually you arrive at the "forest".

You see the jeep is man made and has certain limitations. You can only go so far in a jeep no matter how strong or "advanced" it is. Eventually you gotta get out with you machete (the Truth) and hack and trek your way into the forest.

The forest is a scary place. A lot of people would rather stay in the safety of a jeep, but to really find what you are looking for you must make this trek on your God made feet. The deeper you get the scarier it is, but as you make it through each ticket you start to notice something it is a beautiful forest! Waterfalls, wonderful plantlife, and all kinds of exotic animals. Like all forests/jungles there are dangers, but the immense beauty of it worth the trek.

So whatever, church/temple/mosque you go to remember that it is man made and has certain limitations. The feet that are God made have no limitations. Armed with your machete "the Truth" hack your way into the beautiful forest. You never know what you may find!

Who am I?

2009-04-04T10:08:00.001-07:00

Who am I?

Am I the sum of all my childhood/teenage memories? Am I the sum of a series of successes and failures? Am I an Indian? Am I a father? Am I a husband? Am I a fool? Am I wise?

Who am I?

Am I a spirit stuck in a physical body? Am I just a physical body with a high developed frontal lobe? Am I just a creature that evolved from a series of primates?

Who am I?

Am I a descendant of Adam and Eve? Am I God's child? Am I reincarnated from a previous life? Am I confused?

Who am I?

Am I the embryo that developed in my mother's womb? Am I the individual genetic material my father and mother brought together to create me? Am I the nutrients that my parents consumed that made that genetic material? So am I the earth?

Who am I?

Whatever I am know I am made in the image of God! ...or am I?

WHO AM I!?!?!?

Inspired by the writing "Who am I?", "Nan Yar?"

http://allspirit.co.uk/whoami.html

Know Theyself

2009-04-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

Socrates said it, "Know thyself". I think that sums up all I have been trying to say in these blogs. We all think we know ourselves, but do we really? I believe God has deposited so much treasures in all of us that all we need do is literally sit down quietly and search for it! I have been reading a couple different religious works and they all talk about a "light" or "a treasure" inside us.

I feel we could live a thousand years and only really start to tap the potential in all of us. So seek out the Kingdom of God, The Treasure inside the Clay Jar, the light that lights the world........

THE ANSWER

2009-03-28T05:34:00.000-07:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

The answer my friends as corny as it sounds is love. Now I am realizing the answers are rather simple, the problem is the implementation. It is so easy to get caught up in our own daily lives. It is important to always take a step back and see am I applying love? It is working across the board when I remember to use Love. From being a father to my professional life. Love is the answer.

God is Love. If you want to know God love everyone and everything with all your heart! If you can achieve that then you will truly know God.

METAPHOR ON OUR DUALITY

2009-03-27T05:51:00.000-07:00

I have two sons one is almost 4 years old and the younger one is almost 2. They sometimes fight each other and sometimes they are at peace. I feel this is similar to the spiritual and the mechanical sides of us. Sometimes they fight, sometimes they shine on their own, but when they "play" or "work" together it is a thing of pure beauty.

They Killed Sister Dorothy

2009-03-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

From the streets of Calcutta (see previous blog) to the Amazon rainforest, I have not seen this film yet, but it looks absolutely fascinating check it out....

http://theykilledsisterdorothy.com/flash.html

Mother Teresa

2009-03-24T14:18:00.001-07:00

I read an interesting article about Mother Teresa today. It seems she had many doubts about her faith. This came out around the time that she died. I dismissed it because I thought everyone has doubts at some points in their life, but I felt drawn to it for some reason today.

She calls it her "darkness" it was a huge burden for her because she wanted to feel Christ like she did when he originally called her to her ministry, but alas she was not satisfied. Eventually with the counsel of a priest friend she was able to live with the "darkness".

Now some would say why am I writing about this? Or if I am a true Catholic I would push this to the back and not talk about it. I believe this actually will HELP people with doubts. You see Mother Teresa although felt an absence of God STILL KEPT ON GOING WITH HER MISSION! That in itself is a testimony in faith. I believe a lot of people have doubts of the existence of God. I think it is a natural part of spiritual growth to doubt. But we must push forward. Never lose hope or faith in the journey to finding Truth.

I am finding now a days that you don't seek God in the sense of entering an address into a GPS and driving around until you reach your destination. No. You see God is love. Whenever we give love we are seeing God. When we are OPEN to him we see God. When we live in the moment and have gratitude for the small things we are experiencing God.

So ultimately Mother Teresa's doubts actually boosted my faith. If such a loyal servant of God had serious doubts, then there is hope for me/us yet!

Here the article if you are interested:

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415,00.html

Self Observation

2009-03-21T05:04:00.000-07:00

This is a fascinating technique to examine yourself. What you do is simple, but profound. Just step "outside of yourself" and observe your emotions with a nonjudgmental totally unbiased way. Almost as though you are a scientist doing an experiment and noting information to use in a research paper. It has work wonders for me and the improvement of the "inner Jijo"

For example I have been dealing with someone at work that is a contrarian. You know the type you encounter from time to time. He/she always wants to disagree. You say the sky is blue he/she will say, "well not really you see there are clouds in the sky so technically it is white sometimes and when it is getting ready to rain it can turn grey....." ARRRRAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

Now in the scenario above I would have in the past dismissed it as his/her problem, but with self observation I look at myself. Why am I getting so upset about that person. Look deep. I see, I feel he/she is just trying to be difficult. Look deeper. My point is so right how good he/she disagree with me! Look deeper. I want to be right all the time. Look deeper. It hurts my ego when people disagree with me! AHHAAAA!!!!! Now we are getting somewhere. It is that ego again!

Now the trick is with these discoveries is to not judge because I tend to do that a lot. I think oh my goodness why can't I be more humble. The trick is to be AWARE of it. Awareness is everything. There is a saying "the truth shall set you free" I believe "Awareness shall set you free".

On that note I highly recommend Antony DeMelo's book "Awareness" he explains all this much better than I could possible dream of doing.

Try it out. See if self observation works for you. Just be ready to be humbled!

What to do? What to do?

2009-03-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

A woman runs naked through the jungle
Carrying her baby trying not to stumble
They were bathing in the river, but when the soilders came
The fear she felt over powered any and all shame

A 10 year old boy holds his baby brother
Recently orphaned now all they have is each other
Their faces in shock it happened so fast
Unable to explain the horrible bomb blast

A peasant farmer feds himself and family pesticide
The only way to escape starvation, suicide
All the debt, failed crop, attempt after attempt
Loan after loan all the bank money spent

What to do? What to do? I ask God's people
But redemption is not located under a church steeple
Free your mind, God taught us to love
Wise as a serpent, humble as a dove

Babysitting Waves

2009-03-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

Watching children is like being by the seashore and watching the waves. Everything is peaceful and then CRASH! A temper tantrum. The water recedes and there is peace then CRASH! Someone falls off the couch! Then there is peace. Such is the rhythm of parenthood and babysitting!

...there are times when a tsunami hits, but always remember the water will eventually recede!

More traffic please

2009-03-13T05:58:00.000-07:00

Recently I have noticed that traffic is rather light. I have been rejoicing at this, but then I realized something. The jobless rate is at something like 8% which could explain the light traffic. Less jobs less cars going to work. If that is the reason oh Lord please let there be traffic....

Moment Meditation

2009-03-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

It is an ere feeling. I feel at this moment, my life is a meditation. All I am doing even the menial tasks have great meaning. It fades away once I get to my job, but I guess I need to be mechanical there. It comes back at home. There is a quite satisfaction in it. I dont' even feel like watching TV! I wish I could always feel like this.

Again egotism gets in the way. You never realize how much ego you have until you are attempting to be humble....

The Kingdom of God

2009-03-10T04:48:00.000-07:00

I want to tell you all about the kingdom of God. Ok for those of you that are still reading it is not a lecture in the sense of a conventional lecture. I am not speaking of a world were humans with wings flap around and play the harp. A place were cherubs fly around in ecstasy. No I speak of something totally different.

You see the Kingdom of God is inside all of us! It is all the blessings God has put in us. All the skills, all the emotions (even all the "bad" ones). We are to use these emotions, and skills seek them out and use them. You see our mind, bodies, and souls are like a home were the master is away and the servants (the skills and emotions) have run a muck. We are to be present in our body by being present in the moment, and find and refine all the "servants" to serve God.

The Bible also says "seek our the Kingdom of God and all will be added unto you" my brothers and sisters this is so true. I see it manifesting in my daily life. I can finally say with all faith and respect praise God!

When reading the Bible or any holy text always look for the deeper meaning. The inner development meaning. I did and it is changing my life!

Banzai tree update

2009-03-09T22:26:00.000-07:00

There is something almost therapeutic about caring for the Banzai tree. It started with making sure the breakfast bar was not too cluttered. Of course I do not want a hostile environment for my little friend. It goes deeper. Just to look at it gives me a certain peace. It is hard to explain. I love that plant!

My gardener planted a bunch of vegetables for me without asking! So thank God once again we will have fresh vegetables with no effort from us. (Last year my sister in law did all the planting) All I need to do is water them and pluck the fruit.

It is totally a great feeling to care for a garden or a plant. I highly recommend it. Especially the Juniper Banzai (I hope he does not die on me...I hope I hope I hope...)

Trying to see God

2009-03-08T22:19:00.001-07:00

I try to see God in everything I do. It is driving me today. I wish I felt like this everyday.

I hear God when I listen to the morning birds sing.
I see God when I see how much my sons have grown.
I feel God's love when my wife cooks me a special dinner.
He is everywhere, he is in me, he is in us.
Close your eyes so you can see. Feel his warm embrace.
God is love, He is hope, He is truth.

AAAAAMEN!!!!!!!!

Left brain right brain

2009-03-07T22:21:00.001-08:00

People. We are doing something wrong as a human race when we raise our children. We feed and nurture the left part of the brain which is logic, intellect, mechanical, the money maker. Meanwhile the right side is malnourished and dying. This is the artistic, the abstract, the spiritual side.

Why do we have all these wars, hate, and destruction? Arrested Development had a great song back in the day called "Mr Wendel" and it had a great line, "...y'all spend all this money on these colleges and most of y'all come out confused" We are loading our children's minds with all this ammunition, but they have no idea where to aim the powerful weapon which IS their minds.

I had my three year old meditating. Albeit a simple and extremely short session I was proud that he kept his eyes closed and followed through. This is a three year old folks. If he can do it y'all can. All you need is faith the size of a mustard seed. It is the smallest seed, but it will grow into the tallest tree!

Please, please, spend at least five minutes a day by yourself in silence. It WILL change your life!

New addition

2009-03-06T05:36:00.000-08:00

There is a new addition to the Puthiakunnel clan....

No, my wife is not expecting! It is a tiny Banzai tree or Juniper. It is really cool because it is not just the tree, but there is a little man fishing in a gap filled with water. He just caught a little fish which is actually rather symbolic. There are nice rock formation he is sitting on and a type of bird on top of one of the rocks.

There is a lot of care required for the little guy (the juniper not the little man). I am hoping that my skills as a father will translate well. Anyway I will keep you abreast of my progress.

I was laughing to myself, I am becoming like Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid (minus all the crazy KARATE!!!!).

Please don't die little guy please.

Thoughts of Vegetarianism

2009-03-05T05:41:00.000-08:00

"Ethically they arrived at the conclusion that man's supremacy over the lower animals meant not that the former should prey upon the latter, but that the higher should protect the lower, and that there should be mutual aid between the two as between man and man. They had also brought out the truth that man eats not for enjoyment but to live."

-Gandhi --- The story of my experiments with Truth.

The above is from some material that Gandhi was reading about being a vegetarian. Not to condemn you for eating meat (I was one of you and may become one of you someday), but man is that deep. We are on this earth and can think critically. If we are to evolve (which I believe is part of what humankind's purpose is in life) we must try to think on a higher plan.

Let me put it this way, when I think of a advance alien civilization I don't think of them as meat eating, war making, materialistic or selfish. No this is not what I think of in an advance society. So if we are to advance we must abandon the above. Since I cannot change the world and I really only (and I say this loosely) have charge of myself, I chose to try and evolve.

(It's funny I thought I had nothing to say today, but this turned out to be a rather long blog........)

Children and Zen (follow up)

2009-03-04T05:54:00.000-08:00

I see now that the "First Response Team" must be love not frustration and anger. The only way to achieve that is through complete and total awareness. Live completely and utterly in the present.

I find the biggest obstacle to achieving my spiritual goals is ego. Egotism is holding me back.

BE HUMBLE OR BE READY TO STUMBLE!

Children and Zen

2009-03-03T04:45:00.000-08:00

I have been fascinated by Zen masters. In how they are able to quiet the mind. Find the "middle path" the path with not extremes. I am thousands of miles away from that and wonder if I can ever quiet my mind is such a way.

I realized something yesterday ZEN MASTERS DON'T HAVE CHILDREN! Those lovable little rug rats can try your patients far worse that anything else I have encountered! But alas, what to do I see the positive in the situation. If I can keep my mind quiet while babysitting I can pass any type of test on earth I believe.

I joke, but there is some truth in it!

When I die...

2009-03-02T05:11:00.000-08:00

When I die (hopefully a long time from now),

First of all I want everyone to wear white. Who said black represents sadness and white happiness? Plus I want my family and friends to be happy because I am free. Done with the human experience, free.

I was joking with my wife I said when I am old one day we will be in India and I will just go into the forest and never come back again. Back into nature...

So when I pass do not put me in a casket. Just lower my body into the mud. What is it with us humans wanting to separate ourselves from where we came? It is arrogant! Our bodies are flesh. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Let mother earth embrace me in her arms. Let my brother and sisters the worms and insects eat my flesh. Let them gain sustenance for their life, and let them fertilize the earth. Let me truly be a part of the circle of life (not to quote the "Lion King").

My point to this rather unorganized and sappy blog entry is that if feel like a child again. I feel like the boy up in the tree (when I was young I loved to climb trees) that was communing with nature. It is a surreal yet wonderful feeling.

J Krishnamurti puts it best:

"It is strange how there is a brooding silence over the whole earth. In spite of the noise of towns and the traffic, there is something almost palpable, something holy. If you are in harmony with nature, with all the things around you, then you are in harmony with all human beings."

This is exactly how I feel these days!

Ben Hur powerful scene

2009-02-28T06:02:00.000-08:00

This scene depicts to me what Jesus Christ is to me. When the Roman soldier is so cruel to Ben Hur and not going to give him water, he asks God in his pit of despair to help him and an unknown man gives him water. The soldier gets angry because he ordered no water for him (Ben Hur), and moves to stop him from quenching Ben's thirst. All Jesus does is stand up and look him in the eye! The soldier cannot say anything. That is what it is like to have the truth on your side. People can talk all they want, but when you speak the truth they will have no counter argument. Even if they do you know what is true as you perceive it so there is no need to get upset.

Check out the scene:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNtZC_1oZY4&feature=related

Its funny I remember the scene showing Jesus's face, but I think it is better that they don't. You see it is not important what he looks like just what it is to feel his (Jesus's presence).

A letter to Ms. Hill

2009-02-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Ms. Hill,

Before I get to the point of my letter I want to give you a little background on myself. When I was a young man I was enchanted with the “hip hop” culture that the mass media has promoted. The in your face, I will kill you, look at my gold and diamonds misguided genre of hip hop. What was at the time “main stream” was my passion and love. It pumped me up full of testosterone, and got me high with the male posturing side of it. Because of my interest in this shallow lifestyle I suffered a lot. You see I was trying to be something I was not. I am NOT hard. I am NOT a drug dealer. I am NOT a gangster. As I see it now it was the enemy lying to me telling me I need the entourage to roll out!

Through many lessons I wised up, but I was spiritually malnutrition. Oh yes I had surges of the spirit which was pure and uplifting that helped me go in the right direction, but it always faded. Recently I have been having a renaissance of the spirit. I feel like a baby first learning to walk, like a flower in bloom. Whatever metaphor you want to use.

This now brings me to my point. I have had your M TV unplugged for sometime now, but I did not understand the lyrics. You see I THOUGHT I did, but I did not. It hit me with “I get out.” To me you are talking about the “inner struggle” I got it! I thank you. I THANK YOU! Thank you for keeping it real. Thank you for your expression. Thank you for sharing your struggle. I think it is true what you say everyone is going through the same thing inside. I am relistening to it like I never heard it before.

I see now. I am NOT ugly. I am NOT dumb. I am NOT untalented. Like you said in one of the interludes ”keep talking”! I ain’t listen no more. I GET OUT.

Thank you,
Jijo

Being a Vegetarian

2009-02-27T05:46:00.000-08:00

"...If we could establish a deep abiding relationship with nature we would never kill an animal for our appetite, we would never harm, vivisect, a monkey, a dog, a guinea pig for our benefit. We would find other ways to heal our wounds, heal our bodies. But the healing of the mind is something totally different. That healing gradually takes place if you are with nature, with the orange on the tree, and the blade of grass that pushes thorough the cement, and the hills covered, hidden by the by the clouds."

from J. Krishnamurti's journal

I am going vegetarian. I don't know for how long, but claiming to be non violent I can' imagine what I am going to eat was once alive and breathing and was killed for me. I know, I know, it is just an animal, but the more I get into being one with everything the more it bugs me. My friend the other day order this huge bloody steak and the fact that it look like a piece of flesh is sticking in my mind....we must get back to nature if we are to survive. Start seeing the earth as your mother....whatever will work to help slow done the process of killing her/it!

Brutally Honest

2009-02-27T04:33:00.000-08:00

I have an aunt who is brutally honest. I mean when we asked to stay with her for my cousin's wedding she was like "Sure you don't call me for like six years and when you need something you do." It was appalling at first until you see that once she says her part gets it out in the open she is loving and kind. It is actually rather refreshing once you get used to it. Most of us hate fake people. We say "OH HE/SHE IS SOOO FAKE!!!" But when we do encounter an honest person we say we can't stand them. Like the guy in Rev. Road. He was brutally honest (in my opinion), but they labeled him insane!

I spoke to a friend and told him about the blog last night and he told me Jijo I am going to be brutally honest if I don't like the blog I will say so. That is messing with my head. I got the "enemy" running around. But I use a phrase a great wise man (who I happen to believe is God) used "GET BEHIND ME SATAN!!!!" So do your best! I refuse to back down from my passion....

Lauryn Hill's "I get out"

2009-02-26T04:52:00.000-08:00

I was listening to Lauryn Hill's Mtv's Unplugged "I get out" and it hit me like a ton of bricks! SHE is an AMAZING lyricist. If you look at the spiritual meaning of what she is saying.....

You see there is a counter force that is battling/holding us mentally/spiritually daily. Lucifer, Satan, "The father of lies", "the great deceiver", prince of darkness, negative energy, THE FATHER OF LIES! He is constantly trying to suck your energy like Dracula! This song to me is about GETTING OUT!!!! Breaking free of the mental/spiritual bonds which hold us that keep us from doing what we love, what God, our Father, positive energy, the way, THE TRUTH , the light has put in us to do. You see we have an inner treasure. The Bible says we are like "clay jars that hold a treasure". It also says "the kingdom of heaven is in all of us" and "seek out the kingdom of heaven and all will be added unto you"! Don't you see! If there is something God has been telling you to do. Not in a loud way it is still small voice. Quietly whispering, that is how God communicates not is loud voices like the movies, but a still small steady voice. DO IT! Do what God is telling you to do. Don't ignore him! The "Father of Lies" wants to keep you in slavery, mental and spiritual slavery! God who represents what is good wants you to break free! And only you yourself can do that. "I GET OUT!!!!" Defeat the devil pursue your passion!

Check out this wonderfully powerful song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eF_a1q2FdBs

"Emancipate yourselves from metal slavery none but ourselves can free our minds..."
-Bob Marley Redemption Songs

PEACE BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

Jij

90.7 Pacifica Bumper Sticker

2009-02-25T05:25:00.000-08:00

I used to have all kinds of bumper stikers in my younger days (nothing tacky). When I hit a certain age I decided not to put any stickers on my car because it was not "classy". I recieved a bumper sticker for 90.7 KPFK Pacifica Radio. It is an awesome radio station which is completely funded by donations. So NO CORPORATE SPONSERSHIP!!! How awesome, you hear news and content other media would not dare put out. The fear of offending their corporate sposers is too great. This is a great station and I recomend it whole heartedly.

So I had a dilema, should I deface my car by putting an advertisement for a great radio station that I want people to listen too? Or do I keep my car "classy" and clean (which it isn't I don't remember the last time I washed it....in the summer sometime I think). The answer was obvious. I have been trying to emphasive less on material things so I had a realization, WHO CARES ITS JUST A CAR!!! So before I picked up my son I cleaned the bumper from the inches of dirt and wiped it down and stuck it on there. And you know what? It actually looks kinda nice. It is black like my car......very slick!

BTW if you are interested in 90.7 KPFK their website is:

http://www.kpfk.org/

They are having a fund drive right now. I would urge you to give, it is the best mass media I have ever heard! We need more outlets like that!

PEACE!!!!!!!

Time out for Truth

2009-02-24T05:00:00.000-08:00

Great website! I would be remiss not to mention this website that has helped me have leaps and bound in my sprituality it is:

timeoutfortruth.com

I hope you check it out. It has helped me immensly....

Gandhi

2009-02-24T04:52:00.000-08:00

I am reading (among the many books) the autobiograhy of Gandhi. We tend to idolize leaders like him MLK etc. It is reassuring to see how human they are. For example Gandhi as young man had experiences with many carnal pleasures smoking, eating meat (which was forbidden in his faith), and even being influenced by a friend to go to a brothel (and he was too scared to do anything). It is true what they say the sum of all the experiences good and bad make the man/woman who they are...

It is reassuring because it brings these "idols" back down to earth. Can you imagine that this man helped free a nation!

So many books such little time...

2009-02-23T04:36:00.000-08:00

In the past few months, I have rediscovered the joy of reading a good book. In fact why limit myself to one? I have been reading multiple books at the same time. Biographies, Social sciences, Spiritual books, etc. etc. It is like I finish one book and start two more!

The irony is before my kids I enjoyed reading, but did not have this zeal for it. Now that I have kids it is like I want to read every extra second. I wonder if that is the reason, now that I can't I want to, but when I can (have extra time) I don't feel like it. Such is life I guess, you always want something you can't have...

Favorite New Show

2009-02-22T15:54:00.000-08:00

Its the office, and it is hilarious I resisted for the longest time, but the damn Super Bowl got me! The episode started immediately after the superbowl. It was the fire drill and it was the funiest 'ist! I try not to get hooked on new shows damn NBC! I recomend it to everyone. The humor is a bit different though so be ready. I was a big fan of the BBC version. This one is slightly different, but funny nonetheless....

Discipline

2009-02-22T15:41:00.001-08:00

My whole life I thought it was a good idea for parents (when absolutely necessary) to spank their children. You know "spare the rod". Because it was done to me I deamed it a necessary part of parenting. Then I read Martin Luther King's "Chaos or Comunity" and he has a long section talking about non-violence. It really got me thinking. Was I really that bad a child? Did I "need" to be spanked for my "own good"? (By no means am I insinuating that I was abused) The answer is no! I did not need to be spanked. I thought of the few times that I did spank my son and how it made me feel. How did it make me feel when I remember the time I was spanked... not good. So it has been a few months now and I refuse to spank my children the worse they get is a two to three minute time out, and you know what? It works! I feel better. Now when Solomon (my oldest) hits my younger one (like it happened the other day) I can truely ask him "Do you see me hitting your brother?" He answered "No" then I can say "Well you should not be violent either!"

I hope that I will be like this forever I know the teenage years are quite aways...lord have mercy I have heard horror stories....

The state of Enlightenment

2009-02-22T12:45:00.000-08:00

I have been churning the thought in my head about enlightenment. I wondered if it was a skill set or a state of being. I spoke to a few of my usual wise men sources and did not get an answer. I finally spoke to a wise man last night who helped me see the light. I see now that this questioning of what is enlightenment and breaking it down analytically is the actual opposite of what it is. It is what it is there is no answer to that. It is the mechanical part of the brain trying to put into words what is abstract. Maybe it is neither or maybe it is a combination of both. I think there is no real answer.

I had this question because I read "Zen Flesh Zen Bones" and it talks about how someone did a simple action and he/she is enlightened. I was thinking what do they have to do to keep that enlightenment. I see now how far away I am from an type of higher state of being. "As soon as you think you have something you have already lost it."